10 Ways to reconcile with your spouse….the secrets of a new beginning
1.Apologize (even if you don’t think you did anything wrong)
I know what you’re thinking: “Why should I apologize if it’s not my fault?!“ Perhaps you’re even offended at the thought, especially if your husband cheated on you. But hear me out for a second; in order to heal, both of you have to own up to your own blame, even if you have trouble seeing any blame in yourself. It can feel crazy, but it works well.
If YOU are at fault, an apology is a 100% must. Here’s the thing though… it allows you to find some solace of bettering yourself and taking your mind off the act he committed.
There are two people in any relationship and both of them contribute to the success and failure of it. That means that you’re both to blame for your separation. Something I want to make VERY clear, is that it is NOT your fault if your husband cheated on you.
With that said, it is worth thinking about what your relationship has been like, how you have been behaving towards your spouse and how that might have made him feel.
Therefore, after a break-up, separation or divorce, the first step towards reconciliation is to signal to your husband that you’re willing to admit your own faults. Apologize for everything you may have done wrong over the course of your relationship and all the ways in which you may have come short. This seems ass-backward but I assure you that this will have a 100% positive result.
With this single first move, you’re setting the tone for your future interactions.
This isn’t about you telling him you’re sorry for making him cheat. Chances are 99% and higher that you’re not the reason he went to another woman. Remember, the main purpose of this exercise is simply to open up a communication channel between the two of you, by letting him know that you also are human.
It allows for a “common” point from which to start talking again without turning into a huge fight. This initial step is overwhelmingly important, so don’t blow it and only do it when you’re ready and level-headed.
Go into it with honesty and an open heart, but don’t allow your emotions to get the best of you. We’ll get back to that last part in a sec.
2. Talk it out
Now that you’ve gotten over that super terrifying first step, you can move on to the next stage in repairing your damaged relationship. Remember when we were talking about communication earlier? Well, now is the time to go deeper into the issue.
Communication is just as important as before, even AFTER you separate. Perhaps it’s even more important now because it is the one thing that can bring your husband back (hence the exercise before).
All those things that were left unsaid? All the stuff that you never clarified? Now you have the chance to talk it out.
That’s right; you’re going to do what he hates most in the world (sorry, dude!): talk, talk, and talk some more. This is something you both need for a number of different reasons, regardless of whether you want to get back together or not.
What will help you is to think of the post-breakup talk as a “purge” of sorts. I don’t mean that you should throw everything you hate about him in his face (that’s a bit too much even though it would feel great and justified), but that you should put everything on the table.
I want you both to say what went wrong on your part, what felt off, and what expectations remained unfulfilled. This way, everyone has all the information and you will both be on the same page.
Do you see why the “I’m sorry” exercise is so important now?
This is the only way you can start mending this relationship. Even if you don’t ultimately end up back together, if you hope to have any kind of decent relationship (especially if you have children), you must learn how to communicate again, how to talk and how to open up to each other. This leaves room for re-establishing a connection, which I am going to talk about.
Here comes the tricky part… is it possible to reconnect with an ex-husband? Can you bring “the husband back”?
In my experience of dealing with women, this is a VERY delicate matter, but if you play your cards right, yes, it is entirely possible to reconnect in order to create a new bond, strengthen the old one, build a friendship and go back to what once brought you together, perhaps even with a better bond after the fact.
Of course, in order to achieve all of this, there has to be a will on both sides. You may wish for a connection all you want, but if the relationship has been wrecked beyond repair, pushing for it will only make things worse. Trust me.
So, how do you do it? Well, you need to take it slow. Whatever you do, don’t – I repeat, DO NOT rush things, because you may just ruin it all.
The secret to this, is to let things evolve on their own and move forward naturally. Pick things up and start talking again, but keep it 100% casual. This means there are some things that you need to avoid.
What you’re seeking is to make a clear distinction in your relationship. You’re not trying to get him back – no, sir; how did you get that idea ;), but only trying to maintain a good relationship with your ex.
That means that you need to back off and allow him to run free for a while. I know you’ve developed some wife reflexes over the years, but you’re going to have to rein them in. Remember that you’re now on friendly terms, but you ARE still separated, so act like it. Trust me, this is going to make sense in a second and it will pay off big in the long run.
4. Be nice, but don’t become his doormat
A major mistake a lot of women make is thinking that in order to win their husbands back, they need to turn into “Mrs. All Nice, All The Time”. Nothing could be farther from the truth. How nice you’re also depends on who was really at fault. Usually the cheating spouse will carry more “sorry” around and try to make their beloved feel far more loved than before.
Turning into a yes-wife will backfire in multiple ways: he will not believe you’re sincere first of all, but most importantly, he will start taking you for granted and he will not value what you represent. Retain your worth!
To put it bluntly, he will just not respect you as much. I know it’s harsh, but I am a believer in being realistic.
If there’s anything you should have learned in biology, it’s that at their core, men are hunters. They love the chase and the game and they will never settle for something that comes easy.
And you, my friend, come easy to him if you’re too nice. That’s right, by waiting on him hand and foot, you’re actively driving him away, because you’re making yourself seem undesirable and allowing him to walk all over you. That’s counterproductive both for your self-respect and for your ultimate goal of getting your man back.
This may not be obvious to either of you as it happens, but under the surface – that is what is playing out in his mind.
Instead, play hard to get. That’s right, it’s a bit “teenager-ish”, but so what? Now is the time to use all of your skill-set. What have you got to lose at this point? Also, please note that I do not suggest you go from talking it out with him after apologizing, to discussing plans, to acting giddy all within a short time span.
This may take months or years. What is important is that you want to keep the relationship lines open and be nice to him. Don’t bring up unsavory details from the past, etc.
But at the same time, make it very clear that you’re living your own life now, that you’re doing reallywell and that he is no longer your reason to live. Switching up the status quo will take him by surprise and make him pay attention – and you will notice the difference if he truly wants to be with you again.
Time will give you the answers and clarity you need once you put these steps into motion.
5. Don’t smother him
I’m going to continue now with this same idea of “switching it up” and I urge you to play it cool. Whatever you do, don’t smother him. Mark my words, this is the one thing men hate the most in the world: when women smother them, nag them and generally don’t give them space.
The more you try to hang on, the more he tries to wiggle himself out. The more you push, the more he pulls.
Want to know how to win a guy over?
Paradoxically, you can do it by leaving him alone. Yep, that’s right; it’s that simple. Just let him be. Don’t ask questions, don’t keep tabs on him, don’t act jealous, don’t even trash-talk that bimbo he cheated on you with (even though you may have the urge to do it and I don’t blame you).
Show him that he can have all the space he wants with you – that will bring him back to you in time. Make sure he knows that you’ll grant it to him.
The no smothering rule is especially important if you were the one who was unfaithful. It is understandable for your desire to keep him close and demonstrate how sorry you are and how much you love him, but all your eagerness is driving him farther and farther away.
Keep yourself in check and he will come to you sooner, rather than later. Go overboard and you drive him directly into another woman’s arms. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
6. Don’t let him catch a whiff of your desperation
That over-eagerness I mentioned earlier? Around these parts, we call it like it is: desperation. What you need to know right now is that a man will always be able to sniff your desperation from a mile away. The problem is that he doesn’t need to figure it out from so far away, when you’re getting in his face all the time, begging him to give you another chance. Attractive, huh? Not at all.
Look, I am familiar with the temptation to beg and plead with him to stay and try to make it work, but that will just make you look bad. Women try that a lot and it will not work. It’s a natural reaction, yes – but if you need to beg the man who is supposed to be your husband, to stay with you – something is REALLY wrong.
You’ll look weak and desperate and making a scene will not change his mind. Instead, it will drive him away so fast, that it’ll make your head spin. A good rule of thumb is not to try anything overly dramatic because it will not go down well.
7. Don’t fall into old patterns
Now, this point is very important, so I’m going to need you to pay attention. Once you were able to get close again and maybe even rekindle a possible romance, you need to be extremely careful to remember that this is, essentially, a new relationship, or at very least, an improved one.
What does that mean? That means you are going to work hard NOT to repeat the same mistakes that drove you apart in the first place. I cannot stress enough how important it is not to fall into old patterns.
*Note: This may not apply to 100% of the cases out there, so please take some time to reflect upon your personal situation.
They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results – remember this, it’ll be relevant shortly.
It’s so easy to just revert to the status quo; you won’t even feel it happening. You’ll enjoy one week of giddiness and then the next thing you know, you are back to ignoring each other, not communicating, not having sex, etc. If you aren’t doing anything differently, then why in the world would you think things will not turn out the exact same way as they did before? Do you agree that it’s insanity?
Good. Now that we’re on the same page, we can start talking about what you should be doing and that is making an effort. Yes, both of you. If you want to save your marriage, you should actively and consciously avoid the mistakes you once made and focus on keeping the relationship fresh, happy and healthy. That’s the best marriage advice anyone could give you at this point in time. It’s a lot of work, but it’s worth it if you are serious about staying married to your husband.
After a separation – both people need to change their behavior in order for it to work again. The one who was hurt needs to now become far stronger than they ever were and the one who is asking for forgiveness needs to drastically change their mindset, morals and outlook on how they approach life.
Which one are you?
8. Work on your issues
Okay! You’ve decided that you are not going to repeat the mistakes you’ve made in the past. So, what are you going to do now? Well, you are going to work on your issues. Yeah, it’s not easy, because it involves the two of you admitting your own faults and making efforts to repair your damaged relationship. And as you will know, admitting that you wronged someone (particularly someone you love) is a real bitch.
Deciding to work on your issues is what I like to call a grownup thing to do. You must own up to your mistakes and what went wrong because that’s the only way you can move on and make things better.
Admitting it is the first step (yep, exactly like a 12-step program) and then you can move on to repairing the marriage that was damaged by years of neglect or miscommunication (if that is indeed the case). Not to mention the fact that he will be super impressed (and want to impress you) and touched by this display of maturity and good will.
This is especially true even if you didn’t do anything wrong.
What I want you to do is make a list of the ways in which you wronged your husband and the ways in which he wronged you. With this, you possess a clear idea of what exactly needs to be worked on and with this list, you’ve got an action plan. Remember, you need to know what is wrong in order to fix it. Make sense?
9. See a marriage counselor
It’s entirely possible for you and your husband to resolve your problems between the two of you, but if that doesn’t work or you don’t know where to start, then I suggest marriage counseling. No, don’t make that face I know you’re making right now. Marriage counseling is not as bad as it sounds.
It’s a bit like going to a shrink, but it will help you in ways you may not experience otherwise. Counseling is good for you as a couple and for each of you as individuals. It has an entire host of benefits:
Yeah, convincing a guy to go to marriage counseling is not going to be easy (I can hear him now: “It’s gonna cost me HOW much?!“), but the promise of a neutral third party that will listen to both of you will appeal to him.
Men often feel like they are misunderstood and that they lose in marriage no matter what, because most of them are poor communicators on intimate matters. Well, no longer, because a counselor can help your husband express exactly what he means and they can help the two of you overcome your problems.
Depending on your situation, it may be free or not and if it’s not, it may not be cheap, but for the tremendous help they offer, the price is definitely right. What is better than getting your husband back to how he used to be?
10. Don’t let your emotions overwhelm you
Finally, I want to talk about your feelings and emotions. A great deal of my work talks about emotions and how they dictate a lot of the decisions we make in life. Emotions are very important.
I know they run high, especially during and after a divorce. Separations are messy, heartbreaking and they generally take a toll on your sanity.
It is vitally important for you not to allow your emotions to get the best of you. That means that you should rein them in and if you can’t, learn how to control them more. Start with the baby steps; no dramatic declarations, no over the top demonstrations of love or hate, no shouting things, no hitting and screaming, no promising undying love. Basically, whatever you are feeling right now, zip it!
I know this is about love, but you must allow your mind to lead you, instead of your heart (at least in this situation). If you have told yourself, “I want to get my husband back!“, then you need to think about a logical approach instead of late night sobbing phone calls. One will bring him back, the other will not.
It is not easy and no one said it would be – but it is possible to succeed.
No matter what you are feeling and how you are dying on the inside, don’t let your husband see it on your face. You have to keep your game face on, your poker face or whatever kind of face you want, as long as he can’t tell what you are thinking. He should come back when you act in this manner.
You have to keep things mysterious and let him wonder what you are thinking, what you are feeling and whether or not you are thinking about him.
They’d never admit it, but men are consumed by the same kind of thoughts women are:
This works to your advantage because it pushes him to make the first move towards a possible reconciliation. This is how to get your husband back. He is curious and he is longing for you, and you are going to keep it light and casual. Remember that slow and steady wins the race. And as long as he can’t tell what your over-the-top emotions are, you have the upper hand.
There you have it! Winning your husband back is something that may seem impossible at times, but which is totally doable if you know the right moves and if you are both somewhat willing to work at it. I’ve perfected this strategy over years of trial and error and it truly is an honor for me to share it with you. Hey, someone has to, right? All you have to do is keep your head cool and follow the steps outlined above.
You have to remain patient, don’t get ahead of yourself and most important of all, don’t scare him off.
Men have a tendency to run for the hills as soon as they smell drama, so you’d better hide it well. Work at it slowly and steadily and keep your eyes on the prize. Sooner or later, you’ll get your marriage and your husband back on track, right where you want it.