Not every woman you date… hell, not even every woman you fall in love with is someone you want to have for a wife. In this day and age, marriage isn’t really treated as the sacred commitment it once was, but in my opinion, you should still at least make a good college effort to make it last. If you’re really planning on spending the rest of your life with one woman, you better make damn sure she’s the right one. Here are more than a few signs that she’s not.
1. She’s Clingy
Let’s start simple, shall we? Everybody wants to be with someone who feels they can’t live without them, but when she takes that too literally, it’s suffocating and it will drive you crazy. Run.
2. She Complains When You Go Out With The Guys
Sticking with the obvious, this is a huge red flag. Not letting you hang with your friends means she wants to be the only person in your life, and that’s a recipe for disaster.
3. She Thinks She Can Change You
Ah, this little nugget is as old as time. She thinks you have potential to be exactly what she wants, and it’s her job to shape you into it. Well, guess what? This has never once, in the entire history of relationships, ever been successful.
4. She’s Jealous
A little jealousy is fine—after all, you don’t want her flirting with other dudes, right? But if she flips out every time a woman crosses your field of vision, you’ve got your work cut out for you, my friend.
5. She Doesn’t Trust You
This is really an extension of #4, but we’re going for 100 here, so bear with me. The truth is, this extends beyond jealousy into something deeper. She wants to know where you are and who you’re with every second of the day, and that’s just not gonna fly. You know what all good relationships are built on, right?
6. She’s Controlling
She only cares about your opinion and tries to force you into agreeing with her. She decides where you go and what you do. Might as well hand over your balls, because you sure as hell aren’t using them.
7. She Has No Confidence
She doesn’t think she’s good enough for anything, not her job, not her friends and not you. It may seem cool to be held up to such a lofty position, but that’s not someone you want as a partner.
8. She Wears A Stud In Her Tongue
Every time I see one of those, I think the same thing: “That girl has probably had a whole lot of dicks in her mouth.”
9. Her Daddy Pays Her Credit Card Bill
This girl has never had to learn anything about fiscal responsibility and will more than likely spend all the money you have and some you don’t.
10. It’s Your Second Date And She’s Already Talking About Marriage
This girl just wants to get married, period. And she’s not that discerning anymore. She’s not thinking, “I’m madly in love and want to spend the rest of my life with this guy.” It’s more like, “He’ll do.”
11. She Doesn’t Get Along With Her Mother
Whatever issues she has, she should’ve worked that shit out by the time she was nineteen. It doesn’t bode well for how she handles close relationships if she can’t manage to get along with her own mother.
12. She Gets Along With Her Mother Too Well
On the opposite side of the coin, if she’s on the phone with her mom five times a day, then she hasn’t grown up enough to get married. You’ll basically be married to your own mother-in-law, and that sounds horrible.
13. She Can’t Name All Four Members Of The Beatles
There are some things that every single person on planet Earth should know, and this is one of them. Even that goofy bullshit she calls music wouldn’t exist today without those guys.
14. She’s Never Seen STAR WARS
Because… I mean… come on.
15. She’s Been In A Three-Way With Two Dudes
It would be tough to get that image out of your head. Like a pig on a spit. And I don’t think it needs to be mentioned, but a three-way with another chick is completely acceptable—nay, encouraged.
16. She’s Always Late
Someone once told her she was worth waiting for and boy, did she run with it. She’s making you wait for hours on end as a way of controlling you. If she’s not ready when she says she’s going to be, just leave without her—she will definitely break up with you and you’ll be all the better for it.
17. She Talks About How Much She Hates Men
Ah, the man-hater. She’s been dicked over time and time again, or at least that’s her story. She tells you what she loves about you is that you’re different from all the other guys she’s ever been with. But guess what? You’re not.
18. She Thinks She’s Prettier Than She Is
The opposite is so much more attractive. I don’t want a woman telling me how hot she is. That’s my job.
19. The Only Books She Owns Are Self-Help
If one or two didn’t do the trick, it’s most likely a lost cause. Besides, if she doesn’t read, she’s probably not all that interesting, anyway.
20. She Thinks Dane Cook Is Funny
21. She Starts To Cry Every Time You Have A Fight
Arguing is normal and healthy in relationships. But she can’t take the heat, so she turns on the waterworks. Then you feel like shit. Congratulations, you can look forward to a lifetime of emotional manipulation.
22. She Tells Her Friends EVERYTHING
Women talk—we know this. But there are some things that need to be kept within the confines of the relationship. If you can’t trust her to know where that line is, then you can’t trust her enough to marry her.
23. Her Only Friends Are Dudes
Odds are, there’s a good reason why she doesn’t get along with other women, and it’s probably not their fault. Besides, have you ever had a hot female friend you didn’t want to bang? Didn’t think so.
24. She’s Crazy
This may seem like another obvious one, but crazy chicks are dynamite in the sack, and the way that makes you feel can easily be misconstrued as love. Don’t make excuses for her erratic behavior, just nail her seven or eight times and move on.
25. She Finds Something Wrong With Every Hotel Room
She doesn’t like the view, it’s too close to the elevator, there’s a scratch on the dresser—Jesus Christ, this woman is hard to please. Won’t be long before she’s nitpicking things about you.
26. She’s Bossy
Don’t tell me what to do, bitch.
27. She Owns Too Much Lingerie
I don’t want her wearing anything she used to turn on her exes. Every woman should have only one or two pieces of “fuck me” underwear. The rest should be gifts from you.
28. She’s A Gossip
If she talks about everyone else behind their backs, I guarn-damn-tee you she’s talking behind yours.
29. She Has Daddy Issues
Oh boy. All she wants is approval and presents. She has no idea that men fall into separate categories, and the last thing you want is a daughter for a wife.
30. She Drinks… A Lot
Having a girlfriend who likes to party can be fun early on in the relationship. But it gets old real fast. If she’s still knocking them back like a sorority girl on spring break, you might want to start looking elsewhere.
31. She Uses Sex As A Tool
Rewarding you with sex for gifts or vacations may seem like a fair trade, but once she realizes she can use it to get what she wants, it’s all over for you, my man.
32. She Lied During Your Courtship
Everybody puts their best foot forward in the early stages, but exaggeration or omission is one thing, outright lies are another. If she lied about her age or how many guys she’s been with, then she’s probably lying about what she wants out of a relationship, and what she’s willing to give.
33. She’s A Taker
If you’re the generous sort (and you really should be), you’ll start out giving her gifts and such, because you want to make her happy. But if she comes to expect that as a defining characteristic of the relationship, it means she’s greedy.
34. She Wants The Relationship To Be All About Her
Everything is about what she wants and needs, and yours don’t matter. That’s not to say it should be all about you, either. A married couple is a team, it’s not about one person getting what they want, it’s about what’s best for the team.
35. When The Going Gets Tough, She Gets Going… Out The Door
Some people just don’t want to deal with anyone else’s problems but their own. If she can’t let you lean on her during the hard times, you’re going to find yourself very lonely in your marriage.
36. She Gets Lazy
Once she knows she’s landed you, you might see some things start to slip. She’s not keeping it tight, she doesn’t laugh at your jokes, she stops prettying herself up for you. This is a bad sign and you shouldn’t be guilty of it, either.
37. She Doesn’t Support You
She has to take on your hopes and dreams, and you have to take on hers as well. If she doesn’t help you achieve what you want out of life, find someone else who will.
38. She Has No Hopes And Dreams Of Her Own
It amazes me how many people out there are content simply to exist. I’m not saying you have to try to be a rock star or President of the United States, but goddamn woman. Get off your ass and do something with your life.
39. She’s Cheated Before
What’s in the past is in the past and all that, and circumstances count for something, but more than likely, it means that when things aren’t going her way, she looks outside the relationship to make herself feel better. Cut her loose.
40. She Criticizes Your Hobbies
Unless we’re talking about vintage porn collecting or excessive gambling, your interests are part of what makes you who you are. If she thinks what you do is stupid, then on some level, she thinks you are, too.
41. She Hates Your Friends
Even if they’re the douchiest guys in the world, somewhere out there is a girl who thinks they’re as awesome as you do.
42. She Has cankles
You’ll never get past it.
43. She’s Not In The Mood… Over And Over Again
Hey, every once in a while, you’re not in the mood either, you horny bastard. But if she’s putting you off too much, maybe you’re just not sexually compatible.
44. She Can’t (Or Won’t) Cook
Of all my reasons so far, this one sounds the most sexist, at least by traditional standards. But a lot of women enjoy cooking for their men, and they appreciate it. Men like to eat, godammit.
45. She Never Goes Out With The Girls
Hey, if she’s not blowing off steam with her friends every once in a while, then eventually, you’re going to be her only social outlet. The two of you will be bored with each other inside of a year.
46. She Has No Sense Of Humor
Jesus Christ, lighten up. If you can’t laugh together, what joy do you get out of each other’s company when you’re not fucking? If she can’t take a joke—and give one back every once in a while—it just sucks all the air out of a relationship.
47. She Won’t Try New Things In Bed
If this is going to be the last woman you’re ever going to sleep with, you’re going to want her to be a little adventurous. If she says no to everything from role-playing to anal intercourse, you better have a vivid imagination and a fast internet connection.
48. She Keeps Score
If she’s constantly reminding you of times when you stayed out too late, came home too drunk or whatever, and using those times as bargaining chips, then you, my friend, are screwed.
49. She Changes Her Mind Too Much
It may be a woman’s prerogative, but if she can’t hold down a job and never wears the same thing twice, she has commitment issues and probably won’t spend the rest of her life with anything or anyone.
50. She’s An Attention Whore
If she wants all eyes on her all the time, then that’s a pretty good sign the only person she cares about is herself.
51. She’s A Complainer
The world has too many of these. You don’t want one around you all the time. Find something positive to say every once in a while.
52. She’s Not Comfortable In Her Own Skin
If she doesn’t love herself, she’ll never be able to love you.
53. She’s Not Your Best Friend
Here’s the test: would you want to hang around this woman even if you weren’t banging her? If not, you need to find someone else.
54. She Has Nothing In Common With You
Whether it’s politics, religion or taste in movies, you need to see eye to eye on some things. If you can’t agree on anything, then the relationship will never feel like a safe place.
55. She Has Too Much In Common With You
If you only like a woman who likes everything you like, you’re just looking for a version of yourself with boobs. While you need to agree on the big things, leave some room for differences. It will help you challenge each other and add a spark to the relationship in the long term.
56. She Slept With You On The First Date
Well, here we go. Sorry if you think I’m being sexist again, but there’s just nowhere to go from here. Passion and connection are great, and maybe it’s just the society we live in, but you gotta make me work for it a little. Don’t let me into the holy temple until I’ve earned it.
57. She Talks About Kids Too Much
The problem here, even if you want kids yourself, is that she might just want kids and it’s not so important who gives them to her. Make sure you’re number one until the rugrats come along.
58. She’s Had Three Or More Dicks In Her Ass
I’ve mentioned that before, but it bears repeating. You want a woman to draw the line somewhere, and that line should be her asshole.
59. She Texts During A Movie
This should be a strict zero-tolerance policy.
60. She Pops Her Gum
This is so fucking annoying.
61. She Likes Mischief
A girl with a mischievous streak can be fun for a while as long as you’re not on the receiving end of it. But in a long-term relationship, eventually, you will be.
62. She’s Never Wrong
Like a lot of things on this list, this applies to you, too. You don’t want to be with someone who can never admit to being wrong. It’s exhausting and will frustrate you to no end.
63. She Thinks She’s Above You
If she holds herself up as being smarter or better than you in some way, that’s bullshit. Even if it’s true. You need to see each other as equals if a marriage is ever going to work.
64. She Has A Penis
Unless, you know, that’s your thing. No judgments.
65. She Wants To be An Old-Fashioned Wife
So, you don’t want your woman to work, you just want her to cook, clean, take care of the kids and always look beautiful? We don’t live in the 1950’s, and the world just doesn’t work that way anymore. If that’s what she wants, then you can bet she’s got deeper issues.
66. She’s Too Independent
Now, before you go getting all upset, hear me out. Of course you want an independent wife, but what you don’t want is a woman who’s got something to prove. She doesn’t need anyone, she can do it all herself, etc. Marriage is a team and no one can be a ball hog.
67. She Wants You To Give Something Up
Unless that something is a drug addiction, this should be a deal breaker. Relationships are about compromise, not sacrifice, and if she’s making you give up something you love, give her up instead.
68. She Chews With Her Mouth Open
This is gross, which would be reason enough, but what it really says is that no one ever taught her not to do it, which means she had shitty parents. Shitty parents usually spawn shitty people.
69. She Won’t Let You 69
Don’t deny me my favorite thing in the world.
70. She’s Mean-Spirited
Whether she laughs at old people falling down or gets off on exploiting people’s weaknesses, this woman would be better as a Disney villain than your wife.
71. She’s Already Been Engaged (Or Married) More Than Once
Everyone’s entitled to one mistake. But if she’s committed to spend the rest of her life to multiple partners and then bailed on them, that should tell you something.
72. She Has A Pet Other Than A Dog Or A Cat
Girls with snakes or ferrets… I don’t know, they’re just weird. And if she has cats, two’s the limit. More than that is creepy.
73. She Made You Wait More Than Six Dates For Sex
She might think this makes her a good girl, but in a way, this is worse than putting out right away, because she’s using it to control you. I created a little buffer zone here, but the truth is, by the third or fourth date, she should know if she wants to get naked with you.
74. She Has Another Guy’s Name Tattooed On Her Somewhere
That should’ve been lasered off long ago. But I guess you know she’s not afraid of commitment.
75. She Doesn’t Own A TV
That’s just not practical. People without televisions are trying way too hard to be cool.
76. She’s A Drama Queen
Some people like a little added drama in their lives, but if you’re with a girl who makes a mountain of every molehill in her path, you’re going to get tired of dealing with it pretty soon.
77. You Think She’d make A Bad Mother
Even if you’re not planning on having kids, every woman should be at least capable of raising them. You never know what the future holds. And if you think she’d be a bad mother, it’s probably because she’s not nurturing, and that’s something you’re going to need down the road.
78. She’s Too Competitive
A little bit is fine—great, even. But if you can’t play a game of gin without it becoming the battle of the century, move on. Even when you win, you’ll lose.
79. She Doesn’t Take Your Side
In private, she can tell you you’re wrong all she wants, but if you’re at a party and you get involved in a debate—she should either come to your defense or just stay out of it.
80. You Stole Her From Somebody Else
That may seem passionate and romantic, but she probably just got bored in that relationship and stayed in it longer than she should have. You’ll always wonder if the same thing’s going to happen to you.
81. She Stays In Contact With Her Exes
Unless she has a kid, there’s no reason to keep in contact with her exes. You’re lying if you say it doesn’t make you uncomfortable, and if you confront her, she’ll just claim you’re being possessive. She’s not ready to settle down.
82. She Keeps Secrets
If you’re getting married, you should know everything about her. If she’s not open about every aspect of her life, then it’s going to end with you not trusting her, which will poison the relationship.
83. She Doesn’t Think You’re Awesome
You should each think that the other is the greatest person in the world. If she rolls her eyes every time you say something funny or doesn’t brag about you to her friends, you can do better.
84. She’s Demanding
She’s trying to get you to conform to her way of thinking and doing things, and not giving your thoughts and deeds proper respect. Time to hit the road.
85. She Gets Sick A Lot
I’m not talking about serious medical issues. I’m talking about the girl who seems to gets migraines or the flu every time things aren’t going her way. She either wants you to take care of her or is trying to get out of something.
86. She Openly Hates Your Music
Do NOT fuck with my tunes.
87. She’s Constantly Instagramming Photos Of Herself (And Only Herself)
Seriously. Who does that?
88. Her Personal Heroes Are Lorena Bobbitt And Jodie Arias
Yeah… just run, dude. Run and don’t look back.
89. She Compares You To Her Exes
This is tolerable under absolutely no circumstances. If she ever utters the words, “My ex used to…” don’t even wait for the end of the sentence. Just walk out the door.
90. She Can’t Dance
A woman without rhythm just can’t ever be sexy. And you need sexy.
91. She Doesn’t Listen To You
If the only time she ever shuts up is when she’s trying to think of what to say next, you need to part ways with her. She’s not the only one capable of formulating speech. Let her know you need to be heard.
92. She Has An Ugly Mother
Sounds harsh, but…that’s your future, my friend. Just saying.
93. You Met Her At A Strip Club
Whether she was a dancer or a patron… awesome one-nighter material, not so much in the marriage department.
94. She’s had More Than One Abortion
Once again, anyone can make one mistake, but if she didn’t learn her lesson the first time on this one, she’ll never learn anything.
95. She Hates Sports
I’m not saying she has to be a number one fan, but if she can’t even be in the room when you’re watching a game, this is not a girl you want to be with.
96. She Lets You Make A Sex Tape
Of course you want to make one—you’re a guy! But someone has to be responsible when it comes to this. These days, that shit could end up anywhere.
97. She’s A Slob
She doesn’t have to be a neat freak, but it’s just unnatural for a woman to let things go the way guys do. You’ll be living in a freaking pigpen before long.
98. She Sees A Shrink On A Regular Basis
More often than not, this is a sign that she’s more self-absorbed than psychologically unstable. But either way, it’s cause for getting the hell out of there.
99. Her Vagina Stinks
Some people will tell you all vaginas smell like that. They do not. And that may sound like a pretty superficial reason, but Jesus, we’re at #99 here.
100. You Made It To The End Of This List
Seriously, dude. If you got to the 100th sign that you shouldn’t marry your girlfriend, you MUST be looking for somebody else. She’s out there, I promise. So stop wasting time on the wrong girl, quit reading lists off the internet and go out and find her.