Can A Girl Say ‘I Love You’ First?

Updated on October 12, 2016 in Singleness
0 on October 13, 2016

I think I have been reading too many magazine quizzes and too many relationship books for my own good. All of them pretty much say that the woman shouldn’t ever be the one to say “I Love You” first. It is like the “kiss of death.” While I understand the advice of not jumping the gun, as we women are supposed to be “more emotional,” I am in a relationship now where there is a lot of “hinting” around it going on and it is really tempting to “come out
and say it.” What does a guy think about the age old question? If the woman makes this “big move” first, does it make a guy squirm…or run?

If you say it first, then it’s like you’re forcing that implied commitment, in a way.And even if a guy does love you, he will feel to an extent that he’s being pressured. Beyond that, if you say it first, you’ll lose your chance of ever finding out when he would have said it.

My feeling is that you should let him say it first. I say that because him saying it first to you means a lot more than you saying it to him first… When he says it to you first, it will come across as him declaring something to you. When you say it to him, it will most likely come across as you forcing it on him.

Now, I don’t know you, I don’t know him and everyone is different. But generally speaking, what I’m saying here is good reasoning to follow.

In terms of the way that it feels to a guy when a girl says I love you first, well, it depends. I can say from personal experience that there have been times it’s happened to me and I really did love the girl, but my life was a mess in other ways and wasn’t in the shape it needed to be in for an I-love-you type of relationship. I don’t feel good saying it, but I handled it less than gracefully – I have no idea how exactly me not saying it back was interpreted by the woman, but of course it wasn’t good.

I’ve been asked if a woman “loses all her power” when she says “I love you” first. There’s a whole discussion in today’s culture about who has the power in the relationship and a bunch of other nonsense. Generally speaking, I think that the person who doesn’t think in terms of someone having power in a relationship probably will be the one who ends up having the so-called power.

Reason being, if you think in terms of having the power in the relationship, you’re going to be making “power plays” and doing all sorts of screwy and weird stuff to try and protect yourself from losing this imagined power. You’ll act weird and he’ll sense it. As a result, the guy will be weirded out and he’ll distance himself and put up emotional and mental barriers to protect himself from manipulation. With these walls up, he’ll be harder to reach and you’ll end up trying harder and harder to break through to him.I believe that it is a bad strategy to think about relationships in terms of who has “the power”. I do think there’s value in thinking about the level of openness each person can offer.

Finally, a question comes up as to whether a guy will just say it if he loves a girl. Well… a big problem is that “love”, as a word, is very loaded and it can mean a hundred different things. You can love ice cream. You can love your dog. You can love your mother and father. You can love your best friend. And these are all legitimate and different forms of love.

And in terms of romantic love, the word can still mean a ton of different things. “I love you because I am loyal to you,” “I love you because I want the best for you,” “I love you because you make me feel good about myself,” “I love you because we have a deep connection and understanding for each other,” “I love you because I am really excited by you,” “I love you because I am infatuated with you,” and the list goes on and on.

My point in all of this is that it’s one single thing a guy is saying to you. It’s not useful to focus on without taking the whole relationship into account. It’s not a magical phrase that will make all of your dreams come true. It’s not a promise of “forever”. And it doesn’t mean the same thing for every guy – it is very personal.

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