For the sake of clarity, I’ll start off by saying I live with my godfamily, and I visit my “foster father/dad” (who I lived with until the summer before my 12th grade year since he felt that my godfamily could help me more with school than he could). And I currently do not live or have any relations with my biological mother, and I have never met my biological father.
My godmother and I share a rather difficult and unhealthy relationship. She was actually my 5th grade teacher and since then I looked up to her greatly and I thought of her as a mom (the one I longed to have). For the longest time I thought she was pretty much perfect and could do no wrong and I felt indebted to her, wanted to be the child that she deserved, I always wanted to be around her, and I was extremely clingy towards her. It wasn’t until she shared her annoyance with my constant need to lean on her and hug her (which was around my 7th grade year) that I have tried to back off from physically touching her and now I’m to the point that I don’t really physically touch her at all unless necessary (which I don’t really mind to be honest).
Anyway, I felt like I had to become just like her or at the very least become the child she wanted and deserved. Unfortunately, I have always been a huge procrastinator, though I tended to do well in school do to my natural ability to pick up quickly on material. However, through most of middle and high school my procrastination caught up with me, but thankfully I still graduated on time and worked pretty hard in my senior year of high school.
My godmother in all fairness has plenty of reason to be upset with me do to my inherent laziness that I displayed throughout majority of high school. However, I had low self-esteem and wanted to commit suicide throughout most of high school and I struggled getting over my first love throughout that entire time as well. Plus, my biological mother suddenly reappeared into my life after being completely absent from my life for 12 years, when i was 17.
My godmother had a lot of harsh lectures that often times lead to her hitting me, slapping me, and has even pinned me down and nearly ready to choke me. With that, these lectures usually ended in a hug and some emotional comfort letting me know she cared about me.
I do believe my godmother loves and cares about me. But I feel like I can’t confide in her about anything. She always seems to criticize me even though I try to be an obedient daughter, and get the housework done (which no one helps out with). And I try to avoid conversing with her. And when I have to, you can tell I feel anxious, nervous, and emotionally-distant, annoyed, and afraid I’m going to breakdown and cry. My self-esteem has improved a lot, but it seems to hit an all-time low when I’m home, especially if she is home. I’m scared to go home so I stay at school (I’m at a community college right now) as long as I can, and I have increased my hours at work in an attempt to be at home less. I had many emotional breakdowns (where I basically get into a fetal position and cry and my body can’t stop shaking) at night in my room because I feel like I’m a terrible daughter, and I become even more scared that she is going to come into my room and see me in such a weak condition and criticize and yell at me and hit me.
I’ve been doing better lately with the emotional breakdowns but my self-esteem has hit a low again for a couple of reasons. A guy who I was starting to trust as a friend betrayed my trust (I confided in him and then used it against me for no valid reason). I’m trying to learn how to drive and honestly my last attempt didn’t go very well and now I’m afraid to get behind the wheel again, and my parents don’t give me much of a positive push to drive like they do with my younger sister. And finally, my religious views have recently changed: I’m no longer a Christian. I consider myself to be agnostic and it makes me feel very isolated mentally and emotionally from everyone in my church and my entire family (neither party knows about this change though).
All this is making feel worthless, depressed, and anxious. And I think it’s making my procrastination worst, because I don’t feel secure at home so I don’t want to even bother with my school work, and I’m the only one obligated to make sure the house is clean. When I am at school I try to spend as much time with my close friends as I can, since I actually feel at ease around them. I guess I crave the positive relations with my friends so much that I don;t bother to get mush of my school work done. And I’m always complain about my issues at home, and though my friends tell me that they don’t mind me talking about my problems and never complain about me doing so, I still feel awful and never stop going on and on about it once I get on the subject. And then my procrastination also lowers my self-esteem.
I feel like I should seek help but I don’t really feel like I have that bad, and then I feel like a lot of it is my fault anyway. I feel like if I went to see a counselor, I would just be wasting their time. I know I just need to get my work done and I would feel better but I just keep putting it off. But I can’t. Because once I put it off I don’t even start cause I feel likes its pointless by then.
I know this was long and honestly I am an attention-seeker in the sense of needing to constantly talk about my problems, but any advice would be appreciated.http://www.anewmode.com